heart.

I feel alone. I feel overwhelmingly disappointed by love, and friendship, and humanity.

I have these ideas in my head, these expectations almost of what friendship is meant to be like. How love is meant to make you feel. 

I just keep getting let down by the people I love time after time after time again.

And I never learn. I keep loving. And I keep giving. I can't imagine life any other way.

But  I keep getting my heart ripped out.

I feel so heavy and empty at the same time. Heavy with dissapointment, and hurt, and words I want to be able to say. I just want to be loved. And accepted. And acknowledged. I want to know the people I love care as much about me as I do about them. 

I want to know that all this love isn't a waste of time.

Why is that I would go to the ends of the earth and give my all for any one person in my life. But I always end up feeling not good enough around them. Like I'm not worthy of them giving me any of their love.

I feel like a nobody.

?

I love being anonymous in my own world

I don't know what to believe

I don't understand

I don't know who to listen to

I want this all to be a bad dream, I want to live in denial

I wish everything was black and white

I want to be selfless and non-emotional

I want to remove myself

in my tracks

i think i've been chasing my tail a bit lately.

so busy with the day-to-day that i forget about the bigger picture.

not making anywhere near enough time for my king.

we've got to stop where we are sometimes and just sit with Him.

to get grounded. to get fueled. to get recharged. 

to thank Him. regardless of whats going on in the moment- 

thank Him for the bigger picture.

through every season, I have a reason.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow.

stop talking

I could talk facts and figures about how many people on any given night in Melbourne are homeless and sleep on the streets.

But even one is too many.

We could talk about the price of housing being beyond the means of the average Australian. We can talk about the fragmentation of the family unit and its trans-generational consequences.

We could talk about the United Nations Charter on the rights of refugees or the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and how its being abused- how education, housing, safety, food + water, clothing, an income- are rights not privileges. How the people who have these rights are the minority.

We could talk about a government that is skilled in the art of shifting the focus from our own backyard to the international stage when it all gets too much.

We could talk about how we've become paralyzed by the magnitude of the situation. That a child might be born in poverty. But poverty is NEVER born in a child.

You see the thing is that we just keep talking.

pain to power

Sometimes it would seem that life is not altogether fair, it would seem that crises chase some people no matter where they have run to.  I am beginning to realise that i would far prefer to have challenge after challenge thrown at me so that i can score the character building bonuses that go with that.  Often, crappy situations form a bigger, better person and that result is more than worth the sacrifice of suffering for a while.  The bigger the issue, the stronger the character - a wealth of pain offers a wealth of wisdom, wisdom you may very well never have access to through any other way....

hidden princess

I was searching the internet for a way to download Inspiration 8.0 (irrelevant)

And I couldn't help but notice that almost every webpage I came across had pictures/videos of young girls posing innapropriately and exposing their bodies in advertisements. Selling themselves. 

Slogans as "hot girls fast", "young and ready" were plastered all over their bodies. And for what?

It made me so incredibly sad. What happened in these girls lives for them to be okay with devaluing themselves that much. What makes them okay with posing half naked on the internet for the disgusting pleasure of complete strangers. Who told them they weren't valuable. And precious. And beautiful. And worth far more than rubies or gold. 

I want to know. I want to put them in trackies and hoodies and hug them. Tell them about a God that loves them more than they'll ever know. Tell them that their worth goes beyond anything in this world. Tell them their value. Tell them they're beautiful. Love them.

And what kind of world are we living in where human beings- complete strangers- ENJOY looking at half naked pictures of teenage girls like that? What girl in their right mind would want to do that if they had a healthy self esteem, sense of self, a family that loved them, a safe and comfortable life- all the things every person deserves? So if these girls are doing this from a place of pain, insecurity, desperation, poverty, hurt, brokeness....why would you enjoy that? Enjoy someone elses pain?

I just don't understand. Why does this industry even exist? These girls need, and deserve love. And someone to believe in them. Hold them. Love and protect them unconditionally. Someone to teach them their worth and value.

Why have our society become so comfortable and accustomed to seeing these images and videos all over our computers? tvs? magazines?

I heard my dad say before to my little brother (again, whilst on the internet doing his homework) "Charlie don't look at those pictures"

But "those pictures" are little girls. Sisters. Daughters. Friends. 

They're princesses.

If only they knew.

head up

let us run...let us run... with perseverance,

the race marked out.

let's make a way, 

for those who are to come.

every generation. every nation. every child, every son.

they will pray, they will sing.

who is my God

I've been really stuck on the story of Abraham and Isaac today, the idea that true faith must be proved by trails. The idea that maybe we have to meet God half way.

"He will see to our way, if we dare to walk in his way." -Pro. 3:5-6

There are different versions of the story of Abraham and Isaac. After an angel of the Lord comes in and stops Abraham from sacrificing his son (and gives him a ram in replacement), Abraham calls that place "The Lord Will Provide"

In another version he calls the place "Jehovah Jireh". And there are three meanings to that name.

It means "The Lord Will See". God will always see our need. And always meet it. Its just who he is. But at the same time we need to acknowledge our need for Him. No man will ever be saved until he is lost. No one will ever be clothed until he is stripped. No one will ever be filled until he is empty. Jesus comes only to those who need him. But he ALWAYS comes to those who need him. He will see our need. 

It also means "The Lord Will Provide". When God sees our need, his provision is sure. Thats what Abraham tells us by the name "Jehovah Jirah", the Lord will provide. It was Abraham's testimony to the goodness  and grace of God in providing a ram to take the place of his Son, Isaac. And in the same way it is the testimony of every person who sees Jesus as his substitute, his sacrifice.  Such a sacrifice could only be found in God himself. And he could find it only in himself. Since no-one else could provide a random for our souls, God provided it and said "Deliver them from going down to the darkness; I have found a random" -Job 33:24. He saw our need, and he provided.

Its 3rd meaning is "The Lord Will Be Seen". He was seen in sacrifice. He is seen in the gospel. He is seen as our Savior. He will be seen in our trails. In our greatest extremities; He will be seen. It says in Psalm 139 "Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me. " He will be seen with us, and we will be seen with Him.

Thats a whole lot of meaning in one name. Thats one story, in a Bible of 1000's of stories. And in that one small story, I've learnt 3 pretty massive things about my God.

He Will See.

He Will Provide.

He Will Be Seen.

words are words

i am currently researching and studying Simone de Beauvoir, for my french exam at the end of the year.

this morning I went to the library and borrowed 11 books on her. i love libraries. and i love books. it was definitely a highlight of my day.

i am currently reading a biography of her, after reading her autobiography. its very interesting to read the differences between what we think of ourselves, and what an outsider sees.

there is this one quote that really hit me. 

"she wrote only when she had something to say, and never just for the sake of writing; and she has always written with living readers than posterity in mind."

i love the idea about being a writer. i often think about it. what a wonderful life to live. to spend it reading and writing. but then i wouldn't want to be a writer for the sake of writing, i would want it to be because i felt i had something to say. a statement of some sort.

and i was thinking about it. the only topic. the only statement i could make, with passion, with confidence, with energy and interest and without having self-doubt...

is God.

after all everything else in life seems pretty meaningless and temporary. 

why would i want to write a whole book on something that has no weight in this world?

you can write about love, or about pain, or friendship, self discovery, journeys...

but all these things are temporary.

if you're going to put yourself out there and make a statement for anyone to hear-

you've got to 100% believe in what you're saying.

and I don't really believe in anything else.