heart.

I feel alone. I feel overwhelmingly disappointed by love, and friendship, and humanity.

I have these ideas in my head, these expectations almost of what friendship is meant to be like. How love is meant to make you feel. 

I just keep getting let down by the people I love time after time after time again.

And I never learn. I keep loving. And I keep giving. I can't imagine life any other way.

But  I keep getting my heart ripped out.

I feel so heavy and empty at the same time. Heavy with dissapointment, and hurt, and words I want to be able to say. I just want to be loved. And accepted. And acknowledged. I want to know the people I love care as much about me as I do about them. 

I want to know that all this love isn't a waste of time.

Why is that I would go to the ends of the earth and give my all for any one person in my life. But I always end up feeling not good enough around them. Like I'm not worthy of them giving me any of their love.

I feel like a nobody.

?

I love being anonymous in my own world

I don't know what to believe

I don't understand

I don't know who to listen to

I want this all to be a bad dream, I want to live in denial

I wish everything was black and white

I want to be selfless and non-emotional

I want to remove myself

in my tracks

i think i've been chasing my tail a bit lately.

so busy with the day-to-day that i forget about the bigger picture.

not making anywhere near enough time for my king.

we've got to stop where we are sometimes and just sit with Him.

to get grounded. to get fueled. to get recharged. 

to thank Him. regardless of whats going on in the moment- 

thank Him for the bigger picture.

through every season, I have a reason.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow.

stop talking

I could talk facts and figures about how many people on any given night in Melbourne are homeless and sleep on the streets.

But even one is too many.

We could talk about the price of housing being beyond the means of the average Australian. We can talk about the fragmentation of the family unit and its trans-generational consequences.

We could talk about the United Nations Charter on the rights of refugees or the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and how its being abused- how education, housing, safety, food + water, clothing, an income- are rights not privileges. How the people who have these rights are the minority.

We could talk about a government that is skilled in the art of shifting the focus from our own backyard to the international stage when it all gets too much.

We could talk about how we've become paralyzed by the magnitude of the situation. That a child might be born in poverty. But poverty is NEVER born in a child.

You see the thing is that we just keep talking.

pain to power

Sometimes it would seem that life is not altogether fair, it would seem that crises chase some people no matter where they have run to.  I am beginning to realise that i would far prefer to have challenge after challenge thrown at me so that i can score the character building bonuses that go with that.  Often, crappy situations form a bigger, better person and that result is more than worth the sacrifice of suffering for a while.  The bigger the issue, the stronger the character - a wealth of pain offers a wealth of wisdom, wisdom you may very well never have access to through any other way....

hidden princess

I was searching the internet for a way to download Inspiration 8.0 (irrelevant)

And I couldn't help but notice that almost every webpage I came across had pictures/videos of young girls posing innapropriately and exposing their bodies in advertisements. Selling themselves. 

Slogans as "hot girls fast", "young and ready" were plastered all over their bodies. And for what?

It made me so incredibly sad. What happened in these girls lives for them to be okay with devaluing themselves that much. What makes them okay with posing half naked on the internet for the disgusting pleasure of complete strangers. Who told them they weren't valuable. And precious. And beautiful. And worth far more than rubies or gold. 

I want to know. I want to put them in trackies and hoodies and hug them. Tell them about a God that loves them more than they'll ever know. Tell them that their worth goes beyond anything in this world. Tell them their value. Tell them they're beautiful. Love them.

And what kind of world are we living in where human beings- complete strangers- ENJOY looking at half naked pictures of teenage girls like that? What girl in their right mind would want to do that if they had a healthy self esteem, sense of self, a family that loved them, a safe and comfortable life- all the things every person deserves? So if these girls are doing this from a place of pain, insecurity, desperation, poverty, hurt, brokeness....why would you enjoy that? Enjoy someone elses pain?

I just don't understand. Why does this industry even exist? These girls need, and deserve love. And someone to believe in them. Hold them. Love and protect them unconditionally. Someone to teach them their worth and value.

Why have our society become so comfortable and accustomed to seeing these images and videos all over our computers? tvs? magazines?

I heard my dad say before to my little brother (again, whilst on the internet doing his homework) "Charlie don't look at those pictures"

But "those pictures" are little girls. Sisters. Daughters. Friends. 

They're princesses.

If only they knew.

head up

let us run...let us run... with perseverance,

the race marked out.

let's make a way, 

for those who are to come.

every generation. every nation. every child, every son.

they will pray, they will sing.

who is my God

I've been really stuck on the story of Abraham and Isaac today, the idea that true faith must be proved by trails. The idea that maybe we have to meet God half way.

"He will see to our way, if we dare to walk in his way." -Pro. 3:5-6

There are different versions of the story of Abraham and Isaac. After an angel of the Lord comes in and stops Abraham from sacrificing his son (and gives him a ram in replacement), Abraham calls that place "The Lord Will Provide"

In another version he calls the place "Jehovah Jireh". And there are three meanings to that name.

It means "The Lord Will See". God will always see our need. And always meet it. Its just who he is. But at the same time we need to acknowledge our need for Him. No man will ever be saved until he is lost. No one will ever be clothed until he is stripped. No one will ever be filled until he is empty. Jesus comes only to those who need him. But he ALWAYS comes to those who need him. He will see our need. 

It also means "The Lord Will Provide". When God sees our need, his provision is sure. Thats what Abraham tells us by the name "Jehovah Jirah", the Lord will provide. It was Abraham's testimony to the goodness  and grace of God in providing a ram to take the place of his Son, Isaac. And in the same way it is the testimony of every person who sees Jesus as his substitute, his sacrifice.  Such a sacrifice could only be found in God himself. And he could find it only in himself. Since no-one else could provide a random for our souls, God provided it and said "Deliver them from going down to the darkness; I have found a random" -Job 33:24. He saw our need, and he provided.

Its 3rd meaning is "The Lord Will Be Seen". He was seen in sacrifice. He is seen in the gospel. He is seen as our Savior. He will be seen in our trails. In our greatest extremities; He will be seen. It says in Psalm 139 "Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me. " He will be seen with us, and we will be seen with Him.

Thats a whole lot of meaning in one name. Thats one story, in a Bible of 1000's of stories. And in that one small story, I've learnt 3 pretty massive things about my God.

He Will See.

He Will Provide.

He Will Be Seen.

words are words

i am currently researching and studying Simone de Beauvoir, for my french exam at the end of the year.

this morning I went to the library and borrowed 11 books on her. i love libraries. and i love books. it was definitely a highlight of my day.

i am currently reading a biography of her, after reading her autobiography. its very interesting to read the differences between what we think of ourselves, and what an outsider sees.

there is this one quote that really hit me. 

"she wrote only when she had something to say, and never just for the sake of writing; and she has always written with living readers than posterity in mind."

i love the idea about being a writer. i often think about it. what a wonderful life to live. to spend it reading and writing. but then i wouldn't want to be a writer for the sake of writing, i would want it to be because i felt i had something to say. a statement of some sort.

and i was thinking about it. the only topic. the only statement i could make, with passion, with confidence, with energy and interest and without having self-doubt...

is God.

after all everything else in life seems pretty meaningless and temporary. 

why would i want to write a whole book on something that has no weight in this world?

you can write about love, or about pain, or friendship, self discovery, journeys...

but all these things are temporary.

if you're going to put yourself out there and make a statement for anyone to hear-

you've got to 100% believe in what you're saying.

and I don't really believe in anything else.

wait for me

have you ever stopped and thought "how did i get here?"

i had a moment like that today.

well actually, i had a whole day of it.

after being awake till 4.30am with a full head, i didn't get out of bed until 1pm today.

i put some music on, and lay out on my roof. all afternoon.

for hours.

and just had a think.

probably sounds like an extremely self indulgent and some may argue, stupid way to spend a day. a waste of a day. but really. there's no road map of what we're meant to do with our time. there's no instructions really. so i just went with it.

its funny how things can change so gradually over time, in such a way that you don't realize how far away you've gotten from what you used to hold so close. 

and suddenly you find yourself thinking back, trying to pin point a moment. or an event. or even a word. something, that changed it all. the turning point. whatever it was that threw you off course.

i wonder if it is ever something we did, or said. or maybe its just life. maybe its just proof that everything here is temporary, nothing is constant, or set in stone in this world. 

i think it hurts my heart a little bit to not have that thing as close anymore. 

ok, so it hurts it a lot.

especially since i keep trying to mend whatever went wrong, keep trying to turn back time and make things how they were. re-create a fuzzy image in my head. maybe we sugar coat memories, make them appear in our heads, much better than they actually were. either way it doesn't matter, it doesn't stop me from chasing after them.

running backwards, in a panic that i've accidently lost something along the way. i lost control of it. maybe i should just go with it. stay on the train, rather than keep trying to turn it round.

i'm pretty adament that missing something, or someone is one of the worst feelings in the world.

its so stagnant. and suffocating. and helpless. 

and i think at the end of the day we're left with two choices...

to let them go, and turn painful reminders into happy memories

or to sit in it. replay words spoken, events happened, over, and over, and over again. for comfort. for security.

i've been trying out the latter for too long now, and all it seems to do is make the hole in my heart bigger, as i fill it up with more unnesicsary bitterness, regret, and sadness.

today is the best place to live. 

its got to be.

everymorning the sun rises on a new day, wrapped in grace. 

today is the best place to live.

i can still take the things i miss, the people i miss, into my day..

just not into my heart. 

i'm out

getting a little caught up in my head with all this thinking, and writing, and music.

can be a dangerous place to be, from experience.

time for a break.

i'm out.

blog soon.

canvas

i was sitting on my roof last night, with the smooth sounds of john mayer dancing in the air, and i had a scathingly brilliant idea.

'slow dancing in a burning room' is one of my favourite songs of all time.

because it suspends time. it feels alive. you're in it.

if you can feel music, if you can hear it- who is to say you can't see it?

who's to say i couldn't paint what i hear? the long drones of that heavy, hollow guitar, 

the cry of those piercing notes, the angelic acoustic in the background, or the constant heavy beat holding it together.

who's to say i can't paint them? i think i can. 

use colours to show the notes and chord progression, uses different brushstrokes to illustrate the length and pressure of the notes themselves.

i think it would be incredible.

i'm going to go try.

note to self

Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.

And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.

And that thing. Whatever it is that broke you. I know you think about it alot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. it never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. its not your name. You are free.

Jamie is good.

the girl who lived

I know this person.
She facinates me.
We're pretty close. We get eachother in some weird way. She represents a big idea.

But even though we're good friends, I often find myself looking at her from a strangers perspective. Analyzing her.

No one person has ever interested me more.

She has been through it all. 

So at first I though it was her strength, her resilience. The fact that when you look into her soft blue eyes, you see everything that has been, and the grace that has got her through.

But that wasn't it.

Maybe it's fact that I can't read her, like I can most people.

One minute I understand. The next its like I'm meeting her for the first time. At first it was frustrating, confusing. Now it makes sense. 

Maybe it's because unlike anyone I've ever met, she knows she is. to a T. She's been there. She's figured it out. She's hit dead ends, made choices at intersections, done u-turns. Its like she's got a map, and can see straight through people, straight through situations. Then makes executive judgements on where they fit in her life. She'd probably beg to differ. Once again proving my previous point.

Maybe it's the fact that I've never been more understood by anyone before. She looks at me, and I know she sees everything. She understands everything. Its a mixture of fear and reassurance, relief and wonder. I want to ask her how. Ask her why. But I'll never understand, and perhaps don't want to.

Maybe its her courage. I wholeheartedly believe that no-matter how close to her, no one will ever know what she carries. know her heart. how through the storm she can still have her eyes fixed on the cross. how everyday she gets up, puts on her armor, picks up her weapons and hits her day head on. how she faces the dark and fights demons. as her job, as her calling, as her life.  how, after everything- she is the most worthy person I know of living a life of luxury and comfort, but instead chooses to live for a greater cause.

Or maybe its the fact that even with her being 654 kilometres away, no-one else is a bigger part of my day to day life than her. No-one (except Jesus- der) has had a bigger impact in shaping my decisions my identity, or my life. I don't know why. I don't understand a lot. But maybe I'm not meant to.

Or maybe its all these things together.

The fact that instead of being called my friend, a sister-figure, a mentor, a leader- she's instead, just an incredible person in my life. When i'm around her, I feel as if i'm a little closer to understanding our purpose here on earth. thats it not about the day to day gear. its not about the dramas, or even the discoveries.

its about the people. the relationships. the friendships. the love. but most of all its about jesus. he's the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world. above all she's taught me that. everything she's done in my life has said "let your fist come undone. please carry love. the devil's arms are tight, but the war that we're fighting has already been won."

there is not a day that goes by where i don't take a moment and go "wow. i'm so lucky to have one of those people in my life"

those people that make you question everything you know, open your eyes to a new idea, that inspire you to keep going, that make you heart light, that bring something unexplainable to your life-

just by being in it.

if i could say anything. i'd say thankyou.

let go

"For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self."

- Henri Nouwen.

little things

there is a billion little things everyday we could get annoyed about.

i'm pretty resilient, but i do get caught up in the day to day dramas way too often. 

put a microscope on the wrong stuff.

sometimes i've got to step out of it and just get over it.

its so small.

everythings relative.

there are much bigger battles.

journals

i have many journals. some bought, some given. some old, some new.

big ones, small ones, leather ones, material ones, cardboard ones, plastic ones...you name it, i've got it.

why?

that's a good question. maybe i've always felt no-one would want to listen to what i've got to say, so I write it down.

or maybe its because theres a safety in being able to acknowledge something without anyone else knowing about it.

or maybe its simply because its enjoyable, logical almost to document your discoveries, your lessons- your thoughts. maybe they matter.

for whatever reason, i always have- and always will, write. 

we, as humans have a need to be heard. to feel like someones listening.

and as i look back over my journals from years gone by- i often cringe in disgust, tear up in sadness, frown in anger, laugh in rememberance, or reflect in wonder. because i'm not in the same place i was then. i'm not facing the same demons. feeling the same emotions, or even seeing the same revelations.

we are constantly growing, changing, learning.

nothing in life is constant, or stagnant. 

so i guess i'm going to keep having to buy those journals.

we can

I believe in love. 

And the hope love brings.

More than anything, thats what I believe.

And the power and strength in saying that, and living it- has become more evident to me in the past week than ever before.

I live with a Christian understanding and belief that God truly 100% no hallmark card-junk real deal loves me. I know that. But what has blown me away and has been so clear lately is the power in the unconditional love we can give to eachother. That we have the same ability to love that Jesus did.

There is a lot that comes with love.

Hope.

Patience.

Understanding.

Acceptance.

There is unexplainable pain in this world.

Suffocating injustice.

And hurt that seems...too strong for any one person to bear.

And the one thing I've learnt in that situations where devastation in its truest forms hits someone- someone close to you..

The only thing that makes sense...is love.

Our words, our powerful weighty words somehow seem- inadequate. And so easily swallowed by the darkness. A concept that has become very real to me lately.

I've learnt that sometimes the most powerful healings. The boldest acts of love. The most significant moments..

Happen in the silence. The late nights. Of sitting together. Running together. Dealing together. Facing the darkness- together. 

Love can take many forms. In acts, in words, gifts. 

But for me, this week- love has been all that we had to give.

And in that desperate, overwhelming, unconditional love- we saw hope.

A hope that could stand against any darkness.

I don't know where you're at. If you feel the weight of my words, or know the heart form which they're coming. But I've said the words, I've done the acts- and sometimes nothing seems enough. 

I've seen people try to say the right words to me. Step on egg shells around my pain, trying not to break anything. When all I've wanted is to lie in someones arms and just be. To feel hope, and love. Rather than trying to reason with our words.  I know that life is hard for most people most of the time. And that we don't always know our way back through the storm.

But love remains. And in that is hope.

Our love is powerful.

Our hearts are strong.

We can stand together. In the silence. In the storm. Through it all.

viva la vida

Coldplay have always had a power, as one of my good friends says- "to take you to another place." And their new album is no exception. Rollings Stones interviewed the band about their new vision, style- and the story behind it.

Viva la Vida, or "long live life". Singer Chris Martin chose this title after seeing the phrase on a painting by Mexican artist Frida Kahlo, who endured polio, a broken spine, and chronic pain for decades. "She went through a lot of sh-, of course, and then she started a big painting in her house that said "Viva la Vida," says Martin. "I just loved the boldness of it."

"What I really love about that painting, and her in general, is that her colours were always so bright and vibrant and alive, and yet if you look closely, she's really aware of all the darkness." Martin, whose mother is a devout Christain, and who grew up in a church that was preoccupied with heaven and hell, cannot abide dualisms:

 "all this talk about happiness and sadness and darkness and light. Both things always exist concurrently.  I am a happy guy, but I am also a very sad guy. It just happens to be at the same time."

Chris Martin intrigues me. He appears to be a musical genius on some levels. Then simply an amplified version of the everyday man, on others. Maybe he's just asking the right questions. "Viva la Vida" with its lyrics echoing revolution, war, love- with its united violins and symbols roaring the presence of something bigger than ourselves-it releases energy, ignites power. It makes me feel invincible, turns my walk into a run- if only for 4:03 minutes. I can't explain it, but I can feel it. "Death and All His Friends" however, is quite the opposite. The muffled, melodic piano balanced by the isolated, sharp notes of the electric guitar make me feel immune, slow, aware. We think this will be a classic, dreamy, somewhat melancholy Coldplay classic. Then something unexpected, the same power as in "Viva la Vida" is released as a self-assured 'piano riff' enters. Strong, bold, colourful. Once again turning my walk into a run.

As I sit on my bed, feeling a million things at once- the lows, the highs, the runs, the walks. Seeing the colours. I wonder what it is about Coldplay that makes their songs timeless? What is it about their music that seems to unlock emotions and thoughts I didn't know I had? Where do their notes get their power from? I'd like to think I'm the only one who feels this way. But I'm not. And suddenly I realize I'm questioning something much bigger than Chris Martin's choice of chord progression. I'm questioning life.

I'm learning more and more that no matter how strong or powerful the light, its unrealistic to think that it will eliminate the darkness. The two coexist. That doesn't mean that we should doubt in the dark what we were told in the light, or that we should give the darkness the same authority or power as the light.

It simply means that the two are inter-related. And that greatest power is made from acknowledging that, and then making a choice.

Having studied Frida Kahlo in art history, her reckless passion has always facinated me. 

She lived one hell of a long and painful life. And being an artist, she could have chosen to give more weight to the darkness than the light. She could have based her life on it, her identity. Its what many of us do.

But she didn't. At the height of her pain, struggle and trails- she saw her darkness for what it was, and used it to produce light. That's what gave her life, her work....power.

That's what gives Coldplay's music their power.

And that's what can give our lives power too.

Jesus never walked around in a bubble, ignorant and oblivious to the darkness. 

He sought after it. He hunted it down. He hit it head on. He fought it. He didn't give more weight to the darkness than the light, he simply acknowledged it. Took what weapons he had. And fought it. And won. Everytime. He walked with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat.

Here are the conclusions I can come to:

Its unrealistic to say no matter how much light we have, that we therefore won't have any darkness. If the world was perfect and life was easy, we wouldn't need a God. 

If we didn't have darkness we wouldn't be aware of the light.

In the same sense, even the smallest amount of light can eliminate darkness.

We cannot capture darkness, but we can capture light.

Darkness is not a powerful substance, it is simply the ABSENCE of light.

But why is that. What is the key to understanding this concept. 

It may have something to do with the fact that every human heart is both heavy and light.

That on the same street you can go shopping for the most expensive, and glamorous things in the world- you can also see the homes of the destitute, the poor, the sick.

That for everyday we have a triumph, we'll probably have a trail to. 

Its just how it is.

Light will always have a greater power than darkness. Because it can exist by itself. 

Darkness is like a leech, something that must take different forms to exist. Once we're aware of this, we can eliminate its power, kill its sources- and choose to focus on the light.

Jesus did.

Coldplay did.

Frida Kahlo did.

I think I might too.

come on honey

No lower value could I place

on me, the one I am

My dreams are insignificant, 

no bigger than a seed.

Two hands beckon me forward

come on honey, 

GROW.

I try to get up and find

I have fallen further.

By a chain I drag my past, 

close behind me.

Two hands beckon me forward

come on honey, 

LETS GO.

Challenged to run my race, 

that started long ago, 

Gasps of surrender, 

I am the whiner slumped

under the tree of hardship.

Two hands beckon me forward

Come on honey

STRETCH.

I look up, knowing from Heaven, 

He looks down, 

In His arms I'm found.

"Honey you're mine" He says

wiping the tear from my eye.

"In Me, you can do it all"