wait for me

have you ever stopped and thought "how did i get here?"

i had a moment like that today.

well actually, i had a whole day of it.

after being awake till 4.30am with a full head, i didn't get out of bed until 1pm today.

i put some music on, and lay out on my roof. all afternoon.

for hours.

and just had a think.

probably sounds like an extremely self indulgent and some may argue, stupid way to spend a day. a waste of a day. but really. there's no road map of what we're meant to do with our time. there's no instructions really. so i just went with it.

its funny how things can change so gradually over time, in such a way that you don't realize how far away you've gotten from what you used to hold so close. 

and suddenly you find yourself thinking back, trying to pin point a moment. or an event. or even a word. something, that changed it all. the turning point. whatever it was that threw you off course.

i wonder if it is ever something we did, or said. or maybe its just life. maybe its just proof that everything here is temporary, nothing is constant, or set in stone in this world. 

i think it hurts my heart a little bit to not have that thing as close anymore. 

ok, so it hurts it a lot.

especially since i keep trying to mend whatever went wrong, keep trying to turn back time and make things how they were. re-create a fuzzy image in my head. maybe we sugar coat memories, make them appear in our heads, much better than they actually were. either way it doesn't matter, it doesn't stop me from chasing after them.

running backwards, in a panic that i've accidently lost something along the way. i lost control of it. maybe i should just go with it. stay on the train, rather than keep trying to turn it round.

i'm pretty adament that missing something, or someone is one of the worst feelings in the world.

its so stagnant. and suffocating. and helpless. 

and i think at the end of the day we're left with two choices...

to let them go, and turn painful reminders into happy memories

or to sit in it. replay words spoken, events happened, over, and over, and over again. for comfort. for security.

i've been trying out the latter for too long now, and all it seems to do is make the hole in my heart bigger, as i fill it up with more unnesicsary bitterness, regret, and sadness.

today is the best place to live. 

its got to be.

everymorning the sun rises on a new day, wrapped in grace. 

today is the best place to live.

i can still take the things i miss, the people i miss, into my day..

just not into my heart.