words are words

i am currently researching and studying Simone de Beauvoir, for my french exam at the end of the year.

this morning I went to the library and borrowed 11 books on her. i love libraries. and i love books. it was definitely a highlight of my day.

i am currently reading a biography of her, after reading her autobiography. its very interesting to read the differences between what we think of ourselves, and what an outsider sees.

there is this one quote that really hit me. 

"she wrote only when she had something to say, and never just for the sake of writing; and she has always written with living readers than posterity in mind."

i love the idea about being a writer. i often think about it. what a wonderful life to live. to spend it reading and writing. but then i wouldn't want to be a writer for the sake of writing, i would want it to be because i felt i had something to say. a statement of some sort.

and i was thinking about it. the only topic. the only statement i could make, with passion, with confidence, with energy and interest and without having self-doubt...

is God.

after all everything else in life seems pretty meaningless and temporary. 

why would i want to write a whole book on something that has no weight in this world?

you can write about love, or about pain, or friendship, self discovery, journeys...

but all these things are temporary.

if you're going to put yourself out there and make a statement for anyone to hear-

you've got to 100% believe in what you're saying.

and I don't really believe in anything else.

wait for me

have you ever stopped and thought "how did i get here?"

i had a moment like that today.

well actually, i had a whole day of it.

after being awake till 4.30am with a full head, i didn't get out of bed until 1pm today.

i put some music on, and lay out on my roof. all afternoon.

for hours.

and just had a think.

probably sounds like an extremely self indulgent and some may argue, stupid way to spend a day. a waste of a day. but really. there's no road map of what we're meant to do with our time. there's no instructions really. so i just went with it.

its funny how things can change so gradually over time, in such a way that you don't realize how far away you've gotten from what you used to hold so close. 

and suddenly you find yourself thinking back, trying to pin point a moment. or an event. or even a word. something, that changed it all. the turning point. whatever it was that threw you off course.

i wonder if it is ever something we did, or said. or maybe its just life. maybe its just proof that everything here is temporary, nothing is constant, or set in stone in this world. 

i think it hurts my heart a little bit to not have that thing as close anymore. 

ok, so it hurts it a lot.

especially since i keep trying to mend whatever went wrong, keep trying to turn back time and make things how they were. re-create a fuzzy image in my head. maybe we sugar coat memories, make them appear in our heads, much better than they actually were. either way it doesn't matter, it doesn't stop me from chasing after them.

running backwards, in a panic that i've accidently lost something along the way. i lost control of it. maybe i should just go with it. stay on the train, rather than keep trying to turn it round.

i'm pretty adament that missing something, or someone is one of the worst feelings in the world.

its so stagnant. and suffocating. and helpless. 

and i think at the end of the day we're left with two choices...

to let them go, and turn painful reminders into happy memories

or to sit in it. replay words spoken, events happened, over, and over, and over again. for comfort. for security.

i've been trying out the latter for too long now, and all it seems to do is make the hole in my heart bigger, as i fill it up with more unnesicsary bitterness, regret, and sadness.

today is the best place to live. 

its got to be.

everymorning the sun rises on a new day, wrapped in grace. 

today is the best place to live.

i can still take the things i miss, the people i miss, into my day..

just not into my heart. 

i'm out

getting a little caught up in my head with all this thinking, and writing, and music.

can be a dangerous place to be, from experience.

time for a break.

i'm out.

blog soon.

canvas

i was sitting on my roof last night, with the smooth sounds of john mayer dancing in the air, and i had a scathingly brilliant idea.

'slow dancing in a burning room' is one of my favourite songs of all time.

because it suspends time. it feels alive. you're in it.

if you can feel music, if you can hear it- who is to say you can't see it?

who's to say i couldn't paint what i hear? the long drones of that heavy, hollow guitar, 

the cry of those piercing notes, the angelic acoustic in the background, or the constant heavy beat holding it together.

who's to say i can't paint them? i think i can. 

use colours to show the notes and chord progression, uses different brushstrokes to illustrate the length and pressure of the notes themselves.

i think it would be incredible.

i'm going to go try.

note to self

Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.

And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.

And that thing. Whatever it is that broke you. I know you think about it alot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. it never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. its not your name. You are free.

Jamie is good.

the girl who lived

I know this person.
She facinates me.
We're pretty close. We get eachother in some weird way. She represents a big idea.

But even though we're good friends, I often find myself looking at her from a strangers perspective. Analyzing her.

No one person has ever interested me more.

She has been through it all. 

So at first I though it was her strength, her resilience. The fact that when you look into her soft blue eyes, you see everything that has been, and the grace that has got her through.

But that wasn't it.

Maybe it's fact that I can't read her, like I can most people.

One minute I understand. The next its like I'm meeting her for the first time. At first it was frustrating, confusing. Now it makes sense. 

Maybe it's because unlike anyone I've ever met, she knows she is. to a T. She's been there. She's figured it out. She's hit dead ends, made choices at intersections, done u-turns. Its like she's got a map, and can see straight through people, straight through situations. Then makes executive judgements on where they fit in her life. She'd probably beg to differ. Once again proving my previous point.

Maybe it's the fact that I've never been more understood by anyone before. She looks at me, and I know she sees everything. She understands everything. Its a mixture of fear and reassurance, relief and wonder. I want to ask her how. Ask her why. But I'll never understand, and perhaps don't want to.

Maybe its her courage. I wholeheartedly believe that no-matter how close to her, no one will ever know what she carries. know her heart. how through the storm she can still have her eyes fixed on the cross. how everyday she gets up, puts on her armor, picks up her weapons and hits her day head on. how she faces the dark and fights demons. as her job, as her calling, as her life.  how, after everything- she is the most worthy person I know of living a life of luxury and comfort, but instead chooses to live for a greater cause.

Or maybe its the fact that even with her being 654 kilometres away, no-one else is a bigger part of my day to day life than her. No-one (except Jesus- der) has had a bigger impact in shaping my decisions my identity, or my life. I don't know why. I don't understand a lot. But maybe I'm not meant to.

Or maybe its all these things together.

The fact that instead of being called my friend, a sister-figure, a mentor, a leader- she's instead, just an incredible person in my life. When i'm around her, I feel as if i'm a little closer to understanding our purpose here on earth. thats it not about the day to day gear. its not about the dramas, or even the discoveries.

its about the people. the relationships. the friendships. the love. but most of all its about jesus. he's the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world. above all she's taught me that. everything she's done in my life has said "let your fist come undone. please carry love. the devil's arms are tight, but the war that we're fighting has already been won."

there is not a day that goes by where i don't take a moment and go "wow. i'm so lucky to have one of those people in my life"

those people that make you question everything you know, open your eyes to a new idea, that inspire you to keep going, that make you heart light, that bring something unexplainable to your life-

just by being in it.

if i could say anything. i'd say thankyou.

let go

"For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self."

- Henri Nouwen.

little things

there is a billion little things everyday we could get annoyed about.

i'm pretty resilient, but i do get caught up in the day to day dramas way too often. 

put a microscope on the wrong stuff.

sometimes i've got to step out of it and just get over it.

its so small.

everythings relative.

there are much bigger battles.

journals

i have many journals. some bought, some given. some old, some new.

big ones, small ones, leather ones, material ones, cardboard ones, plastic ones...you name it, i've got it.

why?

that's a good question. maybe i've always felt no-one would want to listen to what i've got to say, so I write it down.

or maybe its because theres a safety in being able to acknowledge something without anyone else knowing about it.

or maybe its simply because its enjoyable, logical almost to document your discoveries, your lessons- your thoughts. maybe they matter.

for whatever reason, i always have- and always will, write. 

we, as humans have a need to be heard. to feel like someones listening.

and as i look back over my journals from years gone by- i often cringe in disgust, tear up in sadness, frown in anger, laugh in rememberance, or reflect in wonder. because i'm not in the same place i was then. i'm not facing the same demons. feeling the same emotions, or even seeing the same revelations.

we are constantly growing, changing, learning.

nothing in life is constant, or stagnant. 

so i guess i'm going to keep having to buy those journals.